11:00 – 19:00
The miscellany and cultural diversity in India is distinctive. The endless varieties of physical features and cultural patterns and many variants of languages make this subcontinent very complex land of multiple religions. The census of 1961 listed as many as 1,652 languages and dialects, the subsequent census regarded them as spurious and recognized 22 major languages. We find in India followers of various faith of which ~80% are Hindus, ~13% follow Islam while other 7% are followers of Christianity, Buddhism, Jainism etc…, wish this country was as simple as the followers of faith but unfortunately there is a wide spread caste system with not less than 3000 sub castes whose hierarchy is graded in different ways in different regions of India.
Right from our childhood we have been reading and learning about Unity in diversity… a concept of “unity without uniformity and diversity without fragmentation” that shifts focus from unity based on a mere tolerance of physical, cultural, linguistic, social, religious, political, ideological and/or psychological differences towards a more complex unity based on an understanding, but alas, I just wish what we studied in the school is actually practiced in the families too. I feel sad to say, per my experience, forget the unity of the country there is no unity in the families today, the disagreement within the family members is growing at an alarming rate, the future generations will end up with antagonism, bitterness and discord which will be the new norm leading but nothing to more crime and social evils. The prominent few social evils faced by married women today are Dowry, Domestic Violence, Outraging the modesty, Sexual Harassment, Marital Rape, Adultery and Men deserting woman, Cruelty by husband and his family members which leads to but nothing Divorce, the guilty is often not punished and those behind bars may not be truly guilty.
88.4% marriages in India are arranged as per the statistics published by UNICEF Human Rights on August 16th 2016. Approximately 2.3% of marriages end in divorce, at least 78% causes for contested divorce in India are Dowry and Domestic Violence. One other trend I have personally observed is todays modern women wants to move on, the families and parents still hold back some grudge or vengeance and seek for punishment but the educated modern girl today knows that there is a long life and bright future ahead and does not want to waste time in prolonging the case and switches to fasten the proceedings through mutual consent. One of the very important element todays modern girl often ignores is her right for Alimony, either she settles for too less or the earnestness to get out of the suffering is too high that she foregoes her right. Words cannot explain the plight one goes thru the divorce proceedings, taking the first step to consult a lawyer or decide to get out of a relationship itself if practically impossible for the girl no matter how modernized the society is. We still live in a rigid caste based system and the fearing of what neighbours and society will talk about. Each community has its own personal laws derived from religious scriptures, customs and traditions and so the grounds on which a Hindu woman can seek divorce and alimony may not be the same for every community.
The Art of Alimony Negotiation
As per the law of the land, Alimony or Maintenance is a legal obligation on a person to provide financial support to their spouse before or after marital separation or divorce. In case of contested matters the Court intervenes to decide the matters related to alimony and maintenance to both wife and child on various merits of the case. A survey cited by India Today says 63 per cent of Indian women become dependent on their parents post-divorce, even as 88 per cent of the divorced men continue with the same lifestyle after divorce. Although the rule of thumb says 1/3rd of the husbands income and assets be taken into consideration there are other governing factors that can make the alimony amount high / low, a recent amendment in the law states the women is entitled for 50% of share in the husbands property acquired before or after marriage. The law is still unclear and ambiguous as it does not clearly define what amount of alimony / who / when / and how is the responsibility shared to up bring the children, often the child custody is granted to women and the struggle continues with raising inflation and cost of education / healthcare and other expenses. Unfortunately in India, there is no concept of joint marital assets, although scriptures call the husband and wife DAMPATI and prescribe to perform all duties and rites jointly when it comes to finances, assets, properties etc… it’s always male dominated. In Hindu marriage act, both spouses can claim alimony from each other whereas the special marriage entitles only wife to claim the alimony. Alimony is mainly divided into four categories: temporary alimony, rehabilitative alimony, permanent alimony and reimbursement alimony….
I wish to highlight in this blog what Indian women need to in case of alimony negotiation and suggest go for an MOU and settle the matters out of court and seek mutual consent divorce after your needs are met :
- Ensure the cause for seeking divorce is very strong, there should be enough evidence on you been subjected to domestic violence and are a victim on cruelty by husband and his family
- Length of marriage plays a vital role in deciding the alimony amount, shorter marriages should focus on settling a one-time alimony instead of monthly maintenance
- Know what you exactly want, don’t just focus on the amount or assets; showcase your needs and the reason behind the demand (inflation, child’s education, your disability, current status and lifestyle, healthcare expenses etc…). Rank your priorities and put forth the top priority first and keep the meagre ones at the end
- Give time, there is nothing called “My Way of High Way”, negotiation process takes time, be patient and if required hire a professional who can negotiate on your behalf, take off your ego from the table. Don’t get into threatening and use the words like “Look what I will do … etc…” don’t label your behavior or offer options / choices for your husband to choose from. Remember buying time builds up tension; use this method very carefully but not often
- Statistics and Data are important, collect data on various assets, income doorways etc… of your spouse this will be a very handy piece of evidence during the negotiation process, use the data carefully after you have done all your homework Subtly nudging them toward your choice
- Women often are emotional and during the negotiations cry or burst out with anger, take control on your emotions and be cool, don’t get angry or cry, this shows your weakness, maintain the cool / composure during negotiation, keep in mind you are facing the problem and not the people although its people around you
- Educate the other party with facts and evidence, don’t simply stick to a number you have decided, showcase with data why you need this amount and the rationale behind the ask. State your case, clearly and completely. Change the benchmarks of good and bad, try Bring up new information you have found
- Don’t burn the bridges, keep the communication on… in many a cases women walk out of the negotiation table siting the humiliation, seek help from your counsel to negotiate on your behalf, New person can reset the rules and strengthen your value preposition, I often suggest Persuade one person at a time and then use them as allies
- Focus on WIN – win strategy, with a bigger WIN coming your way, discuss with your lawyer and do your complete homework without leaving any stone unturned, remember to brake one deal to smaller multiple deals swaying them your way. If you just put across one big option then the chances of that ending up into an argument and killing time are high. Offer to agree in the half way position
- Don’t open up all options at one go, go slow and put your points and let the opposite party come up with his options before your further open up, remember to keep the process in your control, Offer to phase in or phase out the unpleasant bits and sometimes or act stupid to avoid cleaver stuff, catch the opposite party off the ground not expecting you to behave dumb
- Beyond currency or money are other assets too… (Stocks, Bonds, Mutual Funds, Property, Gold, Dividends, etc…) keep options open and don’t stick on a number, refuse to agree on the table immediately, say you are open to such a point but wait for the opposite party to put across more points.
- Although you are earning, try prove your point the need is beyond what you can sustain from your earnings, fall back on data and gather information ( for eg: all that you earn may end up paying rent and healthcare expenses of your parents, remember as per the new law amendment women are equally responsible to take care of their parents just like men)
- Remember, great negotiation is more about listening then about talking, once someone on the table says YES, then document the point and move on don’t argue further on that point
- When someone from the opposite party, it could be the husband or his family members or his counsel objects don’t argue or become defensive, instead ask for clarification, ask a WHY Question, you will be surprised if you ask “WHY” or ask data to prove the objection raised the opposite party will not be able to come up with an answer and you can prove your point then. Human psychology plays a vital role here, ask WHY and you can surprise the best negotiators on the table if they have not done their homework
- Remember while negotiation, one the important fact is to bear in mind is to craft your process in such a way that will make your husband defenceless, being with him after marriage you definitely know all his strengths and weakness, you also very well know his emotional buttons that when you press them right he agrees to your wants.
- Keep the discussions result oriented, its often seen during the negotiation process, old memories come up and the discussion sways more towards a new quarrel instead of point in focus and this indicates a bad publicity and lead into negative consequences.
- Remember to be wise and not smart, you need not show how smart you are, let him feel the pride but you need to be wise to ensure your wants are met, say you understand and empathize but don’t agree as your needs outweigh his situations. Suggest a solution and see if they can bite and push them up against the wall of time.
- Put your concerns on the table, in my personal experience I can confidently quote there will always be a family member from your spouse side who will sympathize with you, utilize him/her and try to influence the process by siting your concerns, although it’s your demand showcase as a concern and not ego driving the wants
- Avoid using “I” statements and instead use something like “We need to reach a resolution which is in favor of both of us adding speed to the process” One other tip which is very important is when you sit for negotiation is the art of speaking, Effective use of speech pauses is a master technique, the power of silence speaks volumes, don’t blabber your point and speak continuously, pauses convey your emotions, holds the attention of distracted audience and replace filler words. You can pause over a question, impactful sentence or a past memory that you quote. Step out and take a break, especially when you see things are getting out of your control, this will break the heat and the flow, come back and start with fresh mind.
- Engage with your body language, the body language and conduct during the negotiation process plays a vital role, many a time although you are enraged and uncomfortable put efforts to make yourself in composure drink water often during the negotiation, this will give your time. Not only will this aid your brain (by providing more oxygen), but your vocal quality will be enhanced by keeping your mouth and throat lubricated. The greatest leaders and influencers who speak often resort to this tip… if you observe our beloved prime minister during the interview process or when he is speaking takes a pause and drinks some water. Another psychology behind pausing and drinking water is to break and distract the thought process of the opposite party, break up their thinking and take charge.
While there is more to this subject, I believe the reader would benefit with the above 20 tips to strengthen your proposition. Feel free to write into me at mail@lawyersonia.com and comment below on what you feel, You may wish to share your experience and add more tips per your experience by commenting on this post.
